FML Listings

3 Bedroom, 2 Bathroom nice house - $1.00 UPDATED

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 10:59:00 -0400

3 Bedroom, 2 Bathroom nice house - $1.00 **UPDATED**:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=12132700&PidKey=286875431

We should be so lucky to see more listings like this one pop up.

3 bedroom, 2 Bathroom totally reno’d house in a great area for $1.00. Either the agent is a genius, or is awesome at typos and not reviewing his work.

I’ve always said, let’s just price everything at $1.00, it’s less work for everyone - and since bidding wars are ridiculous and have no rhyme or reason to them, we may as well just start at a dollar anyway.

Speaking of bidding wars, I’m seeing less and less wars happening on condos. Mostly obviously because of over supply, in my building alone there are 45 units for sale. And in the building next door there are 28. The time is coming… mehehe

**Update**

Boo… the agent changed the price to over a million dollars. Now I’ll never get it. Harumph. *Plays Charlie Brown music*

3 Bedroom, 4 bathroom semi at Keele and Finch - $615,000.00

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 10:42:00 -0400

3 Bedroom, 4 bathroom semi at Keele and Finch - $615,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=12046745&PidKey=-677533730

Semi detached house with no photos of course, I told you stop asking for photos, you don’t need them, how dare you think you have the right to look inside an over half a million dollar house you want to buy!?

Anyhoo, $615,000.00 for a 3 bedroom, 4 bathroom semi at *drumroll* Keele and Finch. Now that Scarborough is becoming unaffordable, Keele and Finch is all “Well if Scarbs can do it, we can do it”, that’s the mindset. Enjoy.

Side note: There were three sexual assaults in this area this week.

Side note 2: That first side note doesn’t really mean anything, because I live in what is apparently a good area near the lake where condos are expensive (but where are they not? - I rent though, obviously) and there are hookers living next door to me, two drug and gang raids in the past 4 months, there was a stabbing outside the bank on the corner here, there were 3 muggings in the area in the past two months, and someone stole the front wheel of my bike last week.

And in case you’re wondering, the Keele and Finch semi carries for $2,400 a month plus property taxes and insurance, so like $2,800 a month, after your 123k down payment. TO LIVE AT KEELE AND FINCH IT’S $2,800 a month!! It’s $115,000.00 OVER half a million dollars to buy a semi detached house at Keele and Finch.

Mould House - SOLD!

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 08:47:00 -0400

Mould House - SOLD!:

Well, the mould filled house sold http://fmlistings.tumblr.com/post/25998917531/3-bedroom-3-bathroom-mould-filled-awesomeness

Only 2 weeks on the market, listed at $933k, sold for $876k.

The going rate in this city for houses you can’t go into without a waiver, and an E.T. style venting set up because you possibly might die, go for almost 900k, plus a $30k land transfer tax and only takes two weeks.

I wish you could read this in the defeated bullshit annoyed tone I’m writing this in.

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom Mould Filled Awesomeness - $933,000.00

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 09:52:22 -0400

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom Mould Filled Awesomeness - $933,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/PropertyDetails.aspx?PropertyID=12112422&PidKey=352999898

This is my absolute favourite thing right now. A wonderful submitter sent in this 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom amazing gem. Which of course has no pictures in the listing, but the submitter was nice enough to send some along! Weee!!

I don’t even know where to begin!! Apparently he had to sign a waiver before going into the house because of mould and other dangerously awesome nonsense. And if you read the listing it says: “There Is Level 3 Mould Contamination. Anyone Entering The Property Must Take Protective Measures (Minimum: N95 Mask)”. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it so amazing? Because it’s listed at $933,000.00!! AND they’re holding back offers hoping for a bidding war. I can’t even write this post, I can’t even… I don’t honestly know what to say. I *almost* feel like someone is pulling a prank on me with this one. I’m definitely going to update once I find out how much it sells for. Stay tuned!

Thanks Jamie for this submission. If I could give out a prize for best submission ever, you would win by far.

7 Bedroom, 3 bathroom detached - $700,000.00

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 18:24:33 -0400

7 Bedroom, 3 bathroom detached - $700,000.00:

Here’s a gorgeous huge detached 7 bedroom, 4 bathroom house for sale in Chicago, about 10 minutes to downtown.
http://www.buyersutopia.com/idx/mls-08011989-4357_s_princeton_avenue_chicago_il_60609

Here’s a detached 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom house in Toronto for sale, about 10 minutes to downtown.
http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=12077366&PidKey=1750673643

So what’s up with these houses? Well, the house in Toronto is $698,000.00 and the house in Chicago is $249,00.00.

Why is the house in Chicago so cheap? Because it’s in the bad area of Chicago, where there’s crime, gangs, drugs, and all that fun stuff.

Why is this house in Toronto so expensive? Because it’s sandwiched right in between Regent Park and Moss Park, the just as bad area of Toronto.

So when people tell you that you’re just complaining about real estate prices in Toronto because you’re being too picky and only choosing “affluent” or “good areas” of the city to live in… you should direct them to this post. #TheresNowhereLeft

3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse - $609,000.00

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:14:37 -0400

3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse - $609,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/PropertyDetails.aspx?&PropertyId=12039972&PidKey=1858489792

Here’s a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom ugly towhouse not being sold for land, and not in North York, it’s at Greenwood and Coxwell, selling for $609,000.00. Hopefully you don’t need a 30 year mortgage to carry this great value of a home.

If you don’t realize it when you first read it, $609,000.00 is $100,000.00 more than half a million dollars. I’m crap with math, but HALF A MILLION DOLLARS IS SO MUCH MONEY FOR A SHITTY TOWNHOUSE. And this is MORE than half a million dollars, and it’s not even in a sexy area!!!! What’s a sexy area? Why did I even say that. This is so awkward now.

4 bedroom, 2 bathroom - $1,800,000.00

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 08:35:06 -0400

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=12101500&PidKey=1560277797

4 bedroom 2 bathroom old house in the annex. $1,800,000.00!

To put things into perspective here’s what 1.8 million gets you elsewhere on this planet:

Old convent in Italy
Hillside getaway in Ibiza, Spain

Family mansion in New York

Ft Lauderdale funtimes

Luxury Villa in Italy

Hilltop overlooking the ocean awesomeness in Malibu, CA

Vancouver, BC (Which is still a shit-show, so take it with a grain of salt)

Ok, I lied those aren’t 1.8 million dollar houses. Most are 1.4-1.5 million, and some are just a million.

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo - $828,000.00

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 15:49:54 -0400

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo - $828,000.00:

Here’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo with amenities such as the “Lrg indoor pool” for $848,000.00 and $928.00 a month in maintenance.

By comparison… here’s some awesometowness in Mumbai written for you by my guest blogger today Aastha Lal, who’s also one of the funniest comedians in the whole entire world, ever. seriously. kinda. no, seriously.

http://curbed.com/archives/2012/04/30/proposed-mumbai-tower-to-feature-swimming-pool-balconies.php#more

I was told that this post had to be about real-estate and not about the overwhelming need for monkeys in Marineland – so here goes:

Take a look at this little 30-story doozy proposed for the Indian city of Mumbai.

The key selling point? Wait for it — Private swimming pools on each of the balconies.

Holy crap.

Each of the condos would have a glass-walled plunge pool extending out from the edge of a rail-less balcony.

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sound like plunging to my inevitable death!

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sounds like a fun way to die!

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sounds like a water slide of death.

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sign me up!

Rail-less balcony, you say? I love when balconies don’t have rails. Super secure!

-Aastha

2 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom - Trillions of Billions of Dollars

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 07:46:00 -0400

2 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom - Trillions of Billions of Dollars:

Which one of these is more money?

The sold as-is 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house at “Yonge and Your-Kid-Can-Go-To-Earl-Haig” OR this “3 bedroom 3 bathroom 2.5 acre views of the ocean with a maids quarters mansion in Malibu”?

I know you’re thinking the Yonge and FML house but you’d be wrong this time! Psych! It’s actually the Malibu house… by $6,000.00. Malibu house is $1,495,000.00 and the North York house is $1,488,888.00.

Although historical data shows that homes in that Malibu area sell for under asking, and houses in the If-You-Think-Your-Kid-Is-Going-To-Earl-Haig-You-Need-To-Get-Over- Yourself area sell for over asking, so I’m calling this that Malibu is less money. Also, the Land Transfer Tax on the Spending-This-Money-So-You-Can-Try-To-Go-To-Earl-Haig-Even-Though-Private-School-Is-Probably-Cheaper-At-This-Point house is over $51,000.00! So, two bonus points go back to Malibu - therefore I call Malibu cheaper. FML Listings Proprietary Math formulas.

Another fun point I learned yesterday, the average house price in Canada is $375,000.00. And the average house price in Toronto is at around $600,000.00. Weeeee!

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom Regent Park condo - $469,000.00

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 08:09:00 -0400

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom Regent Park condo - $469,000.00:

There was an article in The Star yesterday about gang violence in Regent Park. It’s pretty intense, you can read it here. This is a direct quote from the article;

“Gangs have traditionally split turf into north and south areas, with Dundas St. serving as the dividing line. Construction has thrown that into flux.

Sic Thugs are apparently sorting out who controls the new steel and glass condo towers gleaming in the rejuvenated portion of the Park. It’s there that another group, known as Click Clack, may also be involved.”

http://ilovetoronto.com/listings/condos-lofts/260-sackville-st-12-2/

Here is a “must see opportunity” 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo for almost half a million dollars in one of those towers, with an over $500.00 a month maintenance fee (bullet removal charge inclusive?).

I wonder which gang controls your side of the half a million dollar condo, and do you specifically have to wear their colour so the other gangs know your unit is spoken for?

Only in this city would a tiny 2 bedroom condo surrounded by 3 gangs be sold for half a million dollars, honestly.

3 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow - $1,249,000.00

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 08:00:00 -0400

3 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow - $1,249,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=11936351&PidKey=-1641533534

“Great opportunity to live ~~become house poor~~ in Avenue Road”. If you want to “live with wealthy people” at Avenue Road really bad, but you aren’t very wealthy so your solution you think is to buy a $1,249,000.00 3 bedroom 1 bathroom bungalow amidst other fancy houses… then you have incorrect life priorities, either that or you’re just doing it wrong.

You know what this is like? It’s like in Jr. High when all the rich kids got Air Jordan’s and I still had to shop at Zellers for those crappy velcro shoes (which are now cool if you’re a hipster +1), but my parents would spend the extra $5.00 at Zellers that they didn’t have to pay for the sub-fake-brand “Air Gordon’s”, so not only did I look like an asshole trying to fit in, but my parents also had to waste money on fake crap. This is the EXACT same thing. Almost.

2 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow - $802,000.00

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 09:42:00 -0400

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Bedroom, 1 bathroom super piece of crap tiny bungalow at Mt Pleasant and Davisville, listed for an outrageousely ridiculous $599,000.00 and sold in THREE Days for $802,000.00!!!!!!!!! Who bought this?? I want to know right now who bought this, I want to have a polite and fair non expletive filled discussion with the new owner.

3 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom Scarborough Bungalow - $649,000.00

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 13:14:00 -0400

3 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom Scarborough Bungalow - $649,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=11801921&PidKey=-1251720396

3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, middle of for real Scarborough (Pharmacy and Lawrence -also known as the new upper upper upper east upper beaches), with no photos, listed for a reasonable $649,000.00. Listing notes that the property has “Maney“[sic] possibilities. I bet it does. I really bet it does.

3 bedroom, 1 bathroom in Thornhill - $1,000,000.00

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 08:34:00 -0400

3 bedroom, 1 bathroom in Thornhill - $1,000,000.00:

There is honestly not even a need for me to write about this listing today. The Realtor has done a spectacular job at comedy by himself…. even though he’s trying to be serious. Like, where would I even begin?? The fact that it’s being sold for land in the first paragraph, or the fact that it’s being sold to live in near the end of the paragraph, or the fact that you cannot go look at it in the last sentence, or the fact that it’s a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom for a million dollars, the offers to be conditional on viewing the inside even though he says you can’t see the inside, the smiley emoticon for no reason, the asterisks issue that’s going on?

Just in case you can’t read it in all of its glory in the screenshot of the listing, I’ve gone to the trouble of copy and pasting it:
”** 77 Foot Lot On Morgan!! ** Land Value Mostly ** Build Your Dream Home With Possible Circular Drive ** Fanatastic Location ** Surrounded By Expensive Homes ** Steps To Great Schools ** Why Pay 2 Land Transfer Taxes ? ** Build In Thornhill !! ** **** EXTRAS **** Pls Book All Appts Thru Office ** House Is Very Livable ** No Inside Showings Allowed ** Outside Showings Only ** Offers To Be Conditional On Viewing The Inside ** :-)”

500k Houses in Toronto

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:51:00 -0400

Well that photo up there is pretty depressing…

What’s your house budget? Is $500,000.00 reasonable for a small first time buyer’s house? No it’s not lol, do you not read this blog?? I did some quick searching and saw that on MLS right now in Toronto there are about 700 houses for sale at or under 500k, but keep in mind a good chunk are priced at 475k or 495k so they’ll get into bidding wars and most of them will go over 500k so they aren’t really in your budget, and about 75% of them were either at Jane and Finch, super east Scarborough, Mimico, or Oakwood. I guess it sounds picky to say you don’t want to live in those areas even though you’re spending 500k, so I guess there are houses you *can* afford to buy in this city if you suck it up and move to those areas.

Conversely, there are 2,434 houses over 500k… and I’m not just talking Forest Hill. I’m talking everywhere, including the Junction, Leslieville, “Upper Beaches” (it’s so hard for my fingers to type Upper Beaches when my brain is telling them to type East Danforth Scarborough).

Lesson learned? If you want to be a cheap-o and only spend half a million dollars on a super tiny house, you’ll need to move to a kind of ghetto area, that your Lying-So-He-Can-Make-20Grand-Doing-Nothing-Realtor will tell you is gentrifying so it’s gonna be great, just give it two weeks, he promises.

FYI, for a 500k house you need $100,000.00 down. It’s interesting since the stats say that most people have closer to 30k down. I personally thought I had a pretty hefty down payment, but assuming I buy a 650k house (lol as if), the Land Transfer Tax and Closing Costs on that house take my down payment down by 30k, so if you think you’ve saved enough, I’d suggest saving at least another 30k, or use CMHC and pay interest for 30 years on the 30k you didn’t save, making that 30k eventually cost you closer to 100k. See?? Math can be fun!!

4 bedroom, 4 bathroom STOUFFVILLE house - $639,000.00

Thu, 31 May 2012 06:48:00 -0400

4 bedroom, 4 bathroom STOUFFVILLE house - $639,000.00:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=11902581&PidKey=-676400104

Here is a 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom cookie cutter suburban house in STOUFFVILLE for $639,000.00. What’s up with that? By the time you add GO Train costs on it, you may as well suck it up and buy in Toronto. But this house isn’t even walkable distance to GO, so I have no idea what they’re doing with that price, it’s almost offensive. No, it is offensive.

Or you can just move to LA, since this house is basically the same price, and will probably sell under asking.

STOUFVILLE!!!! Gah!!!!!

(Thanks to David for this submission!)

Side note:

I went to an open house yesterday in Leslieville (not even the good part of Leslieville, I don’t even know if I’d consider it Leslieville at this point), here’s a picture of the house:

That’s basically the whole house. No basement or anything, and the upstairs is just 2 small bedrooms. Note the width of the house, you can’t even fit a couch in there basically, and their dining room table is in the entrance way of the house before the living room. It also smelled like sewage. It was listed for sale at $688,000.00. Imagine what kind of asshole you have to be to say “i’m going to list my piece of crap condo sized house for 700k, because I know full well some other asshole is going to buy it”. I feel like I should have put an offer in at 100k just out of principle, but that still feels like too much money.

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom - $479,900.00

Tue, 29 May 2012 08:28:00 -0400

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom - $479,900.00:

Look at this 3 bedroom house at Victoria Park and Danforth in The Beaches for half a million dollars. Oh wait, what? Vic Park and Danforth isn’t The Beaches? I feel like Realtors in this city beg to differ. Right now i’m noticing more and more realtors say EVERYTHING IS IN THE BEACHES. everything, I don’t care where you are. I saw a Moss Park listing yesterday in The Beaches, seriously.

So the listing says “5 min walk to the beach“… I wonder if he doesn’t realize that once you come check out the house you’ll see that it’s nowhere near any beach whatsoever. But he probably doesn’t care because he’s about to make 20 grand doing nothing.

Let’s put it to the test… is this house a 5 minute walk to the beach?

Weird, I was so sure Danforth was like 2 seconds from the beach, not half an hour like Google says. I’m sure Google is lying to me though. Let’s continue to trust these amazing Realtors in every single thing that they say without doing our own research, and while we’re at it let’s continue buying half a million dollar semi’s in crap neighbourhoods so we can keep driving up the market to beyond the most random level that it’s at right now.

2 bedroom, 1 bathroom - $1,399,000.00

Mon, 28 May 2012 08:31:00 -0400

2 bedroom, 1 bathroom - $1,399,000.00:

I spent the weekend going to open houses, which I haven’t done in at least 6 or 7 months. Two things came from that:

1. Buyers… you need to do your research!! Just listening to people asking questions made me realize people aren’t doing enough research (if any) before checking out a house (unless they weren’t serious).

Case in point: Do not ask the SELLER’s Agent if the listing price is a good deal. He will (and did) say yes, obviously. But if you look on MLS, you would have seen it was 50k over anything else in the area.

Secondly, do not ask if a house will go into a bidding war from the Seller’s Agent… he will say he doesn’t know, or he’ll say no. Even though he’s holding back offers until Tuesday at 5pm to incite a bidding war. Either use your own agent (it’s free) or do your research. I’ve worked with Linda Wheeler at My Condo Network, who is the most amazing person ever, she’s on your side and understands the bullshit that’s going on. This isn’t an advertisement… I’m just saying, do not think you’re going to get a full honest story from a Seller’s agent at an overcrowded open house. One house I was in smelled like pee and smoke, and the realtor was like “Oh yeah don’t worry about that, you’re standing beside a litter box”. !!!!!! #ThereMustHaveBeenALitterBoxInEverySingleRoomThen

2. Anything east of the DVP is now considered The Beaches. I don’t care if it’s Leslieville, if it’s Danforth, if it’s Scarborough… it’s all The Beaches now. That commands at least 100k more because everyone wants to live in The Beaches. I give it two months before Scarborough Town Centre is the new mall in The Beaches. Oh also, Moss Park is now Riverdale. City of Toronto will be releasing new maps soon.

Here’s today’s fun listing:

http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=11936351&PidKey=-1641533534

$1.4 million dollars for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow that’s obvs in need of repair. Obviously it’s for someone with cash to buy it and tear it down and bla bla bla bla, but not the point! It should be 300k max! So people like myself or first time buyers can buy a small charming house. OMG so angry today, eh? Those open houses set me back like months in my real estate anger progress that I’ve made.

3 bedroom, 2 bathroom in Junction - $449,000.00

Sun, 27 May 2012 10:39:01 -0400

3 bedroom, 2 bathroom in Junction - $449,000.00:

What the hell is going on with this listing?

“Location, Location, Location Plus Imagination, Imagination, Imagination, Divided By Tlc With A Little Work To The The Square Root Of Future Equals Holy Cow, ***Ai Carumba, Wowzers Baby*** We’re Talking Big Dosh ;O))) **** EXTRAS **** All Electrical Light Fixtures; All Window Coverings; Two Fridges; Two Stoves; One Gas Burner And Equipment; One Air Conditioning;”

2 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom bungalow - $866,500.00

Thu, 24 May 2012 08:17:00 -0400

So this little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom ~~shed~~ house not in North York, was on the market for 6 days listed at the more-than-fair-stop-complaining $775,000.00. It got into a wicked bidding war as it should have because of the amazing value obviously, and eventually sold (in less than a week) for $866,500.00. Almost 100k over asking.

I still want to know who’s buying these places… CMHC tells me you need a $173,000.00 down payment, and need to be making over $156,000.00 a year, and not have ANY OTHER DEBT. If I add any debt into the equation, then you no longer qualify and need to be making more than 156k. Maybe buy this house before you go buy your Audi that you can’t afford, just to make sure you get approved.

So Mr (or Mrs). I-Make-156k -A-Year-But-Am-Obvs-Really-Bad-With-Money… your land transfer tax is almost 30k, your mortgage payment is $3,500.00 per month at current interest rates on this 1 bathroom house (if I up the interest rate just one point, you start breaking the 4k per month mortgage payment), plus your property taxes and insurance, you’re looking at over $4,000.00 a month. That doesn’t include any of your own expenses, your food, or your Audi payments.

This blog post should be the definition in the dictionary under “house poor”. Either that or “I don’t know what things are really worth and I’m really bad at budgeting but I read Toronto Life and know that I should buy a house asap and don’t care that I’m going to be struggling for 30 years, god I hope I don’t have two kids who I need to put into daycare for $3,000.00 a month, and I hope they don’t take my Audi away, oh man remember the days when we used to go to shows, vacations, and restaurants for dinner?” but that’s probably not in the dictionary.