2 Bedroom, 2 bathroom bungalow for the obviously fair price of $1,498,000.00 It’s in “Toronto’s most prestige(sic) location" though. Yonge and Sheppard is the new black. Comes with a stove, can’t go wrong.
Here is a house in Malibu, California (which actually is a prestigIOUS area). This house is on the corner of a cliff in Malibu, hanging over the pacific ocean. seriously. This house is $3000.00 less than the bungalow.
OMG seriously??? I don’t even know where this is. How dare they list this super tiny no photos house in Scarborough for over 800k?!
It’s “immaculate" though, as verified by all the amazing photos of the interior of the property. The listing states this is a “custom built home in a prime quite stree” (sic sic sic!), also comes with a new “electrical furnace" and a "Waster(sic) dryer”. No pot light count unfortunately, but I’m willing to bet it’s an obscene number.
Here’s a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house in The Beaches that’s in dire need of a ton of your money in renos, listed for $1,100,000.00. I make the assumption that this property is so expensive because it’s near the water. The water being Lake Ontario. Do I even have to find another cheaper comparable that’s ON THE OCEAN THAT HAS SUMMER 12 MONTHS A YEAR?
Here’s a mansion in Miami, on the water, pool, hot tubs, etc etc… It also comes with Summer all year round. And it’s less money. And because Florida real estate is screwed in the opposite way that Toronto real estate is screwed, you could probably even buy this Miami property for less than a million dollars, considering it’s been on the market for 180 days.
How much would you pay for a 3 bedroom townhouse in North York? If your answer was $799,000.00 then you’re an asshole. Sorry.
Of course not only are there no pictures in this listing, but there’s not even a picture of the outside of the actual townhouse. It’s just a picture of the building the townhouse is in. I mean, okay maybe that corner is the townhouse but the photo doesn’t tell me that. So rude, I love that the market is so stupid that they know they can sell an $800,000.00 townhouse and not have photos or barely a description.
This one is awesome because the maintenance is $623 a month! I love calculating this stuff, so the carrying costs after your minimum downpayment of $159,800.00 are $3,199.99 for your mortgage plus $623 for maintenance, plus probs $200 for property tax. So… this townhouse can be yours for $4,022.00 a month! Let’s not even talk about how the land transfer tax on this TOWNHOUSE is almost $25,000.00. So when I say your downpayment is minimum $159k, please add 25k to that basically.
You know if your carrying costs for a townhouse are $4000.00 a month and you have that $159k to put down… then I’ve calculated that the carrying costs of this townhouse are the same as the costs of buying an actual house that costs $940,000.00! So why spend so much on a townhouse if you can just buy a million dollar house? Although, stupid question because we all know what a million dollars buys you here.
1 bedroom, 1 bathroom downtown condo 870sq ft for half a million dollars. Plus $440.00 in maintenance. So like $2,600.00 a month to own this with 100k down. The listing says the size of the master bedroom is 32 ft x 39 ft. And I’m willing to bet you that might not be correct. My condo I’m in right now is 870 sq ft and our bedroom is 10x9… so, I can’t even imagine what’s going on in that unit.
Hopefully this is one of those listings that gets bought sight unseen (this actually happens), and the buyer loses his shit on moving day once he realizes his super extra king size Ferrari bed won’t fit in the room.
Unfortunately for us, this listing has been sold so I can’t link you to the MLS page with all the amazing photos, logical rationale on price, features, pot light counts, or how close it is to “shcool (sic)”.
But thanks to “S” for an amazing submission of the realtor sheet, I can show you that this North York 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom bungalow (which had no photos, and a crap description) was listed at $759,000.00, only stayed on the market for 8 days, before selling for $1,180,800.00 dollars. Basically $420,000.00 over asking. *facepalm*
This semi-detached 3 bedroom home is in Aurora Richmond Hill, and not near ANYTHING. I used to live right near here, it’s literally near nothing. There’s a Wimpy’s Diner about a 20 minute walk away. The average selling price for Semi’s in the area go for mid-400k, just to put things into perspective.
I guess someone has to pay for that ridiculous basement, and that lucky someone can be you. My favourite part of the listing is the “10 minutes to GO" (not true). And “Amenities nearby: Ski" Seriously??
Also it looks like the listing says they put a pond in their basement. I can’t even make this stuff up. You’re paying almost $700,000.00 which is almost $300,000.00 more than every other house in this area of the same caliber because the owners decided to put a pond in their basement and think that makes it worth it to you. It also has pot lights though. Oh, and a dead cow in the bedroom which TOTALLY fits in with the decor of this house.
Side note: I bought one of those dead cow carpets once because I was in a “I-just-read-Dwell-and-I-feel-like-this-is-a-good-idea” mood, and when we got it home our whole place literally just smelled like a cow, I’m not even exaggerating, it was great. AND it shed! So there was actual cow fur everywhere.
Ok last thing, because this listing is just too good I can’t stop… their basement looks like the inside of a Frankie Tomatoes Italian restaurant.
FML Trivia of the Day: which one of these is their basement and which one is the Frankie Tomatoes?
Here is a 1 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo for over half a million dollars. Plus the awesome maintenance fee of $706.00 a month. It has a “million dollar view” (no comment) and the best selling point that makes it worth the price is that it has “Direct access to Westin Harbour Castle Hotel”. So for the nights you need to stay in a hotel instead of sleeping in your over half a million dollar condo, well…you now have direct access.
So if you have the 25% down on this, which is $144,000.00… then not to fret, this awesome 1 bedroom condo will only cost you $2,171 a month plus $700 in maintenance, plus $100 bucks in property taxes (at least). So like $3,000.00 a month for this million dollar view one bedroom condo.
Here’s a 1 bedroom 2 bathroom townhouse for $604,900.00 PLUS $539.00 in maintenance. PLUS $39,900.00 for a parking spot. PLUS $4,500.00 for a locker (restrictions apply). What do you think the locker restrictions are???
The carrying costs for this TOTALLY A STEAL property, is minimum $151,000.00 downpayment to avoid CMHC fee. I know you as a first time buyer buying a ONE BEDROOM townhouse totally has $150k you’re just waiting to put down on this perfect home. So, let’s assume you put your $151k on this ONE BEDROOM TOWNHOUSE… and let’s assume you’re buying a parking spot, and if you’re lucky you can pass the restrictions and get an exclusive locker… your monthly mortgage is $2,493.11 at current interest rates. Oh, I forgot maintenance and property taxes… I bet you did too, which is why you thought this was totally worth it. After adding in the $539.55 in maintenance and probably around $200.00 in property taxes, this ONE BEDROOM townhouse (which comes with a microwave! Score!), can be yours for the low low price of $3232.66 per month. Until maintenance fees rise, until interest rates… and they will.
According to CMHC to buy this ONE BEDROOM TOWNHOUSE you need to be making a minimum annual income of $108,000.00 a year.
This 3 bedroom 3 bathroom old tiny North York backsplit seems like a logical purchase option for $1.8 Million dollars.
It’s interesting that people are advertising these to be worth it because they’re close to amazing schools. If you’ve driven in the area you’d see signs from City of Toronto that say that the schools are filled and your kid is probably getting bussed somewhere else.
Whatever, it has two fireplaces. And as the person who sent this in to me notes, it also comes with a garage door opener. Can’t beat that deal!
This HAS to be a joke. At least it’s affordable, I guess. I’m so immersed in the insane prices of this city, I can’t even comprehend what this house(?), (store? shed? what is it?) would actually list for in a normal city. Is $329k a lot for this? How sad that I don’t even know anymore.
Anyhoo, read the listing: "Very Spacious Home. Prime Location. Good For Starter Home And Investment. Close To Shcool, Ttc At Door, Parks, Library And East Chinatown. **** EXTRAS **** Elf, New High Eff. Gas Heating Unit, Hwt(R). SurveyAvailable!!!”
The irony is just too much for me to handle.
Thanks so much to CL for sending this listing in! (And everyone else who’s submitting listings, you’re all amazing. I’m trying to get through them all. Thank you!)
This 3 bedroom 1 bathroom garbage house is $600,000.00. And someone is going to buy it.
I was thinking last night, when did we as people in this city become so complacent and accepting of going into debt for at least 25 years, and becoming house poor on homes like these?
I remember the following:
a few years ago when bidding wars started happening in Leslieville. I remember going to open houses where pot lights were installed, new kitchens were put in, etc… and they’d get into bidding wars because of it.
a few years ago when other pockets of the city started raising their prices 100s of thousands of dollars over value and they still sold.
I remember when those over valued houses also started getting into bidding wars and sold over asking.
Recently agents stopped describing amazing features of the house, and started either not writing descriptions or just lying in their listings. And those houses still sold.
I remember when almost every pocket of the city started to become overvalued, and the other pockets that were already overvalued were becoming even more overvalued. And those houses still sold.
And now what I’m seeing is houses that need total renovations, that aren’t cleaned to even be shown, some can’t even be shown. Some that need inspections like you have no idea, but the second you put that condition in your offer, it just goes to the next highest bidder. And these houses still sell.
When did it become acceptable to list your property without even vacuuming the floor and taking a clean photo of it, because you know it’s going to sell anyway. When did it become acceptable to say “Yeah there is a hole in the roof , but I’m going to offer 100k over the 500k asking price!!”.
If you’ve just started looking and this is all your seeing, it’s sad. You may not know what it was like a few years ago. People had to actually “try” to sell their homes. Imagine!
Try looking in other cities for comparison, and you’ll see what a respectful listing is. Here’s some examples from Los Angeles. (I use L.A. because it’s the only city I know well enough that I can choose a house in a good vs bad area and provide you with comparable info. Otherwise I’d use a Canadian city):
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has written to me this week and last. Your stories have made me smile and feel sadness all at once, just like the listings I’m posting. I appreciate all your kind words as well as your accounts of what you’ve experienced/are experiencing.
I want to reply to every single one of you, but the amount of emails is overwhelming at this point, I had no idea the situation reached so many different people in so many different ways. I apologize if I can’t reply to all of you, but I’m trying. Just know that you’re far from alone on this - I’ve received hundreds of emails from people all with the same terrible story. Which I think makes this even that much worse. Maybe we need a Toronto Real Estate support group, with free* cookies and coffee. ;)
*free + 2.5% commission to the cookie provider who spells Oreo’s wrong.
To the Realtor from Century 21 who emailed me saying “You should stop complaining and get a job, all you want is a mansion in Forest Hill but people have to actually go to work for that”. You’re incorrect sir, what I want is this little 1+1 bungalow, and I do have a job, and so do most of my readers and they want the same thing - and we can’t even get this.
This bungalow also comes with “Full Basement Heights” in an “Area in Transition”. What’s a “Heights”? And is it transitioning into an area where once interest rates rise every single house on the street will be for sale? One can only hope.
3 bedroom, 2 bathroom semi detached house. So many pot lights in this house that it’s listed twice in the ad. Very important and informative, you really need to know that this probably-good-for-a-first-time-buyer semi detached house with a new coat of paint is worth the almost $800,000.00 because the pot light situation is probably pretty amazing.
Also says it includes all window coverings. Then also says it excludes drapes and rods. Who knows what you’ll get?! Maybe that’s the fun in these, just buy a random house for more money than you can afford, get ready to become house poor, and see what they left you in the home when you move in?
Reminds me of the time I bought my first car, we opted out of the more expensive model that had ABS, then we were driving in the snow one time and hit the brakes and the ABS came on!!! It was such a good day. So this is kind of like that.
A nice Sunday bungalow… for $700,000.00. Don’t fret, this 2 bedroom 2 bathroom tiny bungalow comes with “Egdo (Googled: Electric Garage Door Opener), and a Brass Fireplace Screen” How can you NOT buy it?!?! It also still has oil heating, and maybe if you’re lucky you can get the milkman to show up.
2 bedroom, 2 bathroom bungalow = $1,150,000.00!! And it looks like it’s not even being sold for land.
The listing states “Enjoy Hign Prestigious Area Surrounded By Restaurents”. What’s a Hign? I can’t knock this listing because I don’t know what a Hign is, maybe it’s a pure gold? Maybe it’s a unit of measurement for pot lights? I googled it and Google says it stands for “Hartford Institute for Geriatric Nursing”. Enjoy. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to go get breakfast at a restaurent (sic)…
I shouldn’t comment on people’s spelling, this blog is littered with typos since I write so quickly. But also, I’m NOT getting 2.5% commission on a million dollar property when I write each entry…
Three things: 1. Here’s a 3 bedroom TOWNHOUSE for the random price of $824,888.00. What can I even say anymore? Something something not worth it, something something who’s buying this, etc… 2. I love the artsy photo of the stairwell. That really sells me on the place, that’s totally what I’m looking for when I look for listings. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t bought yet “Ugh, why doesn’t any one have a dizzying photo looking down the stairwell! I’ll never find a place!” 3. The listing notes there are 20 pot lights in this unit. That’s important. Trust me.
1 bedroom, 1 bathroom condo on the 12th floor. $720.00 maintenance! Awesome! This ONE BATHROOM ONE BEDROOM CONDO is reasonably priced at only almost $700,000.00. Super quick, how much is this per month with the 25% down that you don’t have? Only $3,600! It’s a steal!
I love the listing though, I love it!! Again with the pot lights bullshit. Seriously, current home owners, if you want to make a lot of money on your property, just install pot lights and you can up the price to basically any amount you want. More highlights: “Rainforest shower heads” and “Walk to Harbour 60 steakhouse”.
Whenever I do end up buying a house, I will make note to ensure my Realtor properly details and documents for me the proximity to every steakhouse in the area, otherwise the deal is off.
Here’s the perfect starter home for a new family, or first time buyer. A small 3 bedroom townhouse, so you think if housing is too expensive just move into a townhouse until it’s time to upgrade. Except, the small starter 3 bedroom townhouse is already 1.1 million dollars. Perfect example of a house I would buy but can’t because I didn’t get a pre-approved for a million dollars, nor can I afford a million dollars, nor would I want to pay a million dollars for a townhouse.
Who IS getting approved for a million dollars? What does your yearly income have to be? … Okay, I calculated it so you don’t have to! (scroll to the bottom if you don’t care for details, but I’d rather you did care):
To buy this house you need min 20% down which is $220k, which makes your mortgage $4,405 a month (880k mortgage), plus property taxes, so your’e looking at around $4,700 a month just on mortgage/taxes (not including food, bills, car, daycare, whatever else you spend on). Using the CMHC’s affordability calculator, I’ve calculated that to get an $880k mortgage, you need a yearly income of $192,000.00. This also assumes you aren’t paying the CMHC fee and you do have $220k down, which you probably don’t.
I’ll take the more likely scenario that a lot of people who email me on this blog are in. I’ve seen from a lot of people that they have 100k down if they’re lucky… so with that calculation, this house is over 5k a month, and now you have to pay a 25k penalty fee to CMHC.
This also doesn’t take into account what happens when interest rates rise, or you need a new car, or any other monthly expenses you have, once I add that in the calculator goes up for how much you need to make per year to get this mortgage. And what happens if one of you loses a job, or switches careers, or has another kid, or any multitude of life changing events occur?
Are young professionals just starting out, who want to buy a small townhouse already making $192k a year? I’m not jealous, I’m impressed, that’s amazing. Even if this is double income, that’s still $96k each a year if you divide it evenly between the two of you. I can’t imagine a scenario where the average home buyer couple are each making $96k a year. Okay, I looked it up again! I can’t find current stats, but in 2006 the median HOUSEHOLD income was $92k. Just shy of one half of what it takes to get approved for this perfect starter home. So I assume this has risen by now, but there’s no way it’s risen to $196k for median total household income.
(You didn’t want to read all that? Just read this): If you don’t make $200k a year, you can’t buy this house. And if you do make $200k a year, you can *barely* afford this house.
Btw, look at that couch in the bedroom facing the bed. Not at all awkward.
I think the submitter of this listing said it best: “If that last line wasn’t meant for you, I don’t know what is…”
There’s nothing I can write here that’s going to be better than the actual listing itself. So, here’s the listing below. The more I read it the more it looks like someone is tweeting it. I guess there’s a character count for MLS, very professional.
"Location! Location! Location! Classic Victorian Home. Located On Desirable Quiet Street. Close To Hospital, University, Ttc & More. Main Level Has Living Room W/ Fireplace, One Br, 4Pc Wr, Kitchen W/ Dbl Sink, And W/O To Bkyard W/ Detached Garage. 2nd Floor Has 1 Br, Living Room, Kitchen, 3rd Floor Has 2 Br, 3Pc Ensuite Bath. Bsmt Is Full With Br, Bathroom, Good Size Room And W/O To Bkyard. Bsmt Will Require Some Finishing Touches For Great Income Potential **** EXTRAS **** *Good Size Rec Room* New Hot Water Tank (2010) Hardwood FloorsThroughout (No Carpet). Gas Furnace (Upgraded). 1973 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme In The Garage Is Negotiable With Purchase.”
I wonder if you have to pay over and above the 1.2 million dollars if do want to keep the Cutlass Supreme?
This was a wonderfully amazing submission sent in by one of our readers… I couldn’t wait to post it!
$800,000.00 and almost 600 bucks a month maintenance for “2 bedrooms”… 2 bedrooms means one tiny bedroom and probably a small den if you’re lucky. AND it’s in Distillery District… since when can that area command this type of money?! Like, okay totally my opinion that I know I’m gonna get shit on for, but Distillery District is a great place to hang out sometimes and visit, however I don’t think it offers *that* much value to actually live in… does it?
You do have a Fresh and Wild (a grocery store where an apple cost me $2.39 one time) right at your door though. So I’m assuming this condo caters to people who just don’t give a shit about money.
Assuming you have the minimum allowed 25% down payment of $200,000.00, which I know you don’t… this property carries for $2,845.00 a month, plus the $600.00 maintenance, and property taxes. So you’re looking at about $3,700.00 a month to own this. And I didn’t even calculate the CMHC Penalty fee that I KNOW you’re going to have to pay, plus the land transfer tax of $25,000. PLUS 2 bucks per apple, if you’re into that…
3 bedroom, 3 bathroom TOWNHOUSE (again!), in Markham! Almost $800k. This small townhouse is totally a first time buyer’s home also, eh?
If a Realtor tells you that if you can’t afford to buy in Toronto as a first time buyer, and you just need to get into the market so maybe look at a small townhouse in the suburbs… tell them they are incorrect, once again.
Here’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom TOWNHOUSE in Etobicoke for over half a million dollars. The agent doesn’t say how much maintenance is, but let’s assume $150 bucks a month, just for fun - which is awesome that you have to pay that plus your mortgage. Whatever.
Side note: I also saw another townhouse today that I was going to post that boasted “free garbage pickup!”, seriously…
The Realtor notes that the exterior has been recently caulked, and there’s an invisible screen on the front door. Magical. WHY ARE THESE SELLING POINTS??
Second question, why are you paying over a half a million dollars for a 2 bedroom townhouse in Etobicoke?