FML Listings

Toronto Real Estate at its finest

3 Bedroom, 2 Bathroom nice house - $1.00 **UPDATED**

We should be so lucky to see more listings like this one pop up.

3 bedroom, 2 Bathroom totally reno’d house in a great area for $1.00. Either the agent is a genius, or is awesome at typos and not reviewing his work. 

I’ve always said, let’s just price everything at $1.00, it’s less work for everyone - and since bidding wars are ridiculous and have no rhyme or reason to them, we may as well just start at a dollar anyway. 

Speaking of bidding wars, I’m seeing less and less wars happening on condos. Mostly obviously because of over supply, in my building alone there are 45 units for sale.  And in the building next door there are 28. The time is coming… mehehe


Boo… the agent changed the price to over a million dollars. Now I’ll never get it. Harumph. *Plays Charlie Brown music*

3 Bedroom, 4 bathroom semi at Keele and Finch - $615,000.00

Semi detached house with no photos of course, I told you stop asking for photos, you don’t need them, how dare you think you have the right to look inside an over half a million dollar house you want to buy!?

Anyhoo, $615,000.00 for a 3 bedroom, 4 bathroom semi at *drumroll* Keele and Finch. Now that Scarborough is becoming unaffordable, Keele and Finch is all “Well if Scarbs can do it, we can do it”, that’s the mindset. Enjoy.

Side note: There were three sexual assaults in this area this week.

Side note 2: That first side note doesn’t really mean anything, because I live in what is apparently a good area near the lake where condos are expensive (but where are they not? - I rent though, obviously) and there are hookers living next door to me, two drug and gang raids in the past 4 months, there was a stabbing outside the bank on the corner here, there were 3 muggings in the area in the past two months, and someone stole the front wheel of my bike last week. 

And in case you’re wondering,  the Keele and Finch semi carries for $2,400 a month plus property taxes and insurance, so like $2,800 a month, after your 123k down payment. TO LIVE AT KEELE AND FINCH IT’S $2,800 a month!! It’s $115,000.00 OVER half a million dollars to buy a semi detached house at Keele and Finch. 

Mould House - SOLD!

Well, the mould filled house sold

Only 2 weeks on the market, listed at $933k, sold for $876k.  

The going rate in this city for houses you can’t go into without a waiver, and an E.T. style venting set up because you possibly might die, go for almost 900k, plus a $30k land transfer tax and only takes two weeks.  

I wish you could read this in the defeated bullshit annoyed tone I’m writing this in. 

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom Mould Filled Awesomeness - $933,000.00

This is my absolute favourite thing right now. A wonderful submitter sent in this 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom amazing gem. Which of course has no pictures in the listing, but the submitter was nice enough to send some along! Weee!!

I don’t even know where to begin!! Apparently he had to sign a waiver before going into the house because of mould and other dangerously awesome nonsense.  And if you read the listing it says: “There Is Level 3 Mould Contamination. Anyone Entering The Property Must Take Protective Measures (Minimum: N95 Mask)”.  AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it so amazing?   Because it’s listed at $933,000.00!! AND they’re holding back offers hoping for a bidding war.   I can’t even write this post, I can’t even… I don’t honestly know what to say. I *almost* feel like someone is pulling a prank on me with this one.  I’m definitely going to update once I find out how much it sells for. Stay tuned!

Thanks Jamie for this submission. If I could give out a prize for best submission ever, you would win by far. 

7 Bedroom, 3 bathroom detached - $700,000.00

Here’s a gorgeous huge detached 7 bedroom, 4 bathroom house for sale in Chicago, about 10 minutes to downtown. 

Here’s a detached 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom house in Toronto for sale, about 10 minutes to downtown. 

So what’s up with these houses?   Well, the house in Toronto is $698,000.00 and the house in Chicago is $249,00.00. 

Why is the house in Chicago so cheap?  Because it’s in the bad area of Chicago, where there’s crime, gangs, drugs, and all that fun stuff. 

Why is this house in Toronto so expensive? Because it’s sandwiched right in between Regent Park and Moss Park, the just as bad area of Toronto. 

So when people tell you that you’re just complaining about real estate prices in Toronto because you’re being too picky and only choosing “affluent” or “good areas” of the city to live in…  you should direct them to this post. #TheresNowhereLeft

3 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse - $609,000.00

Here’s a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom ugly towhouse not being sold for land, and not in North York, it’s at Greenwood and Coxwell, selling for $609,000.00. Hopefully you don’t need a 30 year mortgage to carry this great value of a home. 

If you don’t realize it when you first read it, $609,000.00 is $100,000.00 more than half a million dollars.  I’m crap with math, but HALF A MILLION DOLLARS IS SO MUCH MONEY FOR A SHITTY TOWNHOUSE. And this is MORE than half a million dollars, and it’s not even in a sexy area!!!! What’s a sexy area? Why did I even say that. This is so awkward now. 

4 bedroom, 2 bathroom - $1,800,000.00

4 bedroom 2 bathroom old house in the annex. $1,800,000.00! 

To put things into perspective here’s what 1.8 million gets you elsewhere on this planet:

Old convent in Italy
Hillside getaway in Ibiza, Spain

Family mansion in New York

Ft Lauderdale funtimes

Luxury Villa in Italy

Hilltop overlooking the ocean awesomeness in Malibu, CA

Vancouver, BC (Which is still a shit-show, so take it with a grain of salt)

Ok, I lied those aren’t 1.8 million dollar houses. Most are 1.4-1.5 million, and some are just a million.  

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo - $828,000.00

Here’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo with amenities such as the “Lrg indoor pool" for $848,000.00 and $928.00 a month in maintenance. 

By comparison… here’s some awesometowness in Mumbai written for you by my guest blogger today Aastha Lal, who’s also one of the funniest comedians in the whole entire world, ever. seriously. kinda. no, seriously.

I was told that this post had to be about real-estate and not about the overwhelming need for monkeys in Marineland – so here goes:

Take a look at this little 30-story doozy proposed for the Indian city of Mumbai.

The key selling point? Wait for it — Private swimming pools on each of the balconies.

Holy crap. 

Each of the condos would have a glass-walled plunge pool extending out from the edge of a rail-less balcony. 

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sound like plunging to my inevitable death!

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sounds like a fun way to die!

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sounds like a water slide of death. 

Rail-less balcony, you say? Sign me up! 

Rail-less balcony, you say? I love when balconies don’t have rails. Super secure!


2 Bedroom, 1 Bathroom - Trillions of Billions of Dollars

Which one of these is more money?

The sold as-is 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house at “Yonge and Your-Kid-Can-Go-To-Earl-Haig” OR this “3 bedroom 3 bathroom 2.5 acre views of the ocean with a maids quarters mansion in Malibu”?

I know you’re thinking the Yonge and FML house but you’d be wrong this time! Psych! It’s actually the Malibu house… by $6,000.00.  Malibu house is $1,495,000.00 and the North York house is $1,488,888.00.

Although historical data shows that homes in that Malibu area sell for under asking, and houses in the If-You-Think-Your-Kid-Is-Going-To-Earl-Haig-You-Need-To-Get-Over- Yourself area sell for over asking,  so I’m calling this that Malibu is less money. Also, the Land Transfer Tax on the Spending-This-Money-So-You-Can-Try-To-Go-To-Earl-Haig-Even-Though-Private-School-Is-Probably-Cheaper-At-This-Point house is over $51,000.00!   So, two bonus points go back to Malibu - therefore I call Malibu cheaper. FML Listings Proprietary Math formulas.

Another fun point I learned yesterday, the average house price in Canada is $375,000.00. And the average house price in Toronto is at around $600,000.00. Weeeee!

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom Regent Park condo - $469,000.00

There was an article in The Star yesterday about gang violence in Regent Park. It’s pretty intense, you can read it here.   This is a direct quote from the article;

Gangs have traditionally split turf into north and south areas, with Dundas St. serving as the dividing line. Construction has thrown that into flux.

Sic Thugs are apparently sorting out who controls the new steel and glass condo towers gleaming in the rejuvenated portion of the Park. It’s there that another group, known as Click Clack, may also be involved.”
Here is a “must see opportunity" 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo for almost half a million dollars in one of those towers, with an over $500.00 a month maintenance fee (bullet removal charge inclusive?). 

I wonder which gang controls your side of the half a million dollar condo, and do you specifically have to wear their colour so the other gangs know your unit is spoken for?

Only in this city would a tiny 2 bedroom condo surrounded by 3 gangs be sold for half a million dollars, honestly.